Monday, August 29, 2011

Getting started... Again.

Every day seems to feel like a battle. I wake up every morning with this feeling of what's the point. I have never really had a love or passion for life. I know what needs to be done and what should be done yet I tend to give up before I even try. I have been this way all my life it was put in my head at a very young age that failure was my only option was why even try in the first place. If you don't know what that means I will tell you a little story. I was maybe 15 or so when my older sister (drunk off her ass) came in to my room sobbing to me about how I was never going to be anything other then a single mother on welfare. I was floored I had no idea where her thoughts were coming from. It was one of those moments in my life that has stuck with me and scarred me in a way. I was never encouraged to do my best or to really do anything. I realized then that my family didn't know me at all. What they saw was nothing I was just a week and sorry nothing in their eye's. I now live 2000 miles away from my family. They are all in the same place they started. As for me, I left when I was 18 I stayed gone for 3 nearly 4 years before I returned home to regroup and find a new plan. Why did I have to go back you ask? I was married those 4 years in a relationship that was toxic to say the lest and once I was finally done with that path there was real no where else to go. I return to that black hole they would call home, I was there for no more then 8 months before I left again. Now I am married to the worlds most perfect man for me and have my beautiful baby girl my little miss and my whole world. Note that she is my first child I am married and not on any kind of assistance (not that there would be anything wrong with that). I have a wonderful life I would not wish to change ANYTHING about it however I still have the scars from my passed haunting my present day happiness. I was very depressed after my daughter was born which let face it most all new moms are in one way or another. I was that way for nearly a year I went back to work that helped a lot but I was still just in a funk so I tried something I had NEVER tried before. I healthy diet and exercise HOLY CRAP!! Who know that I really can make you a happier person LOL. For the first time in my life I was up beat I wouldn't say happy but I was getting there. Then as I have always done something discouraged me and I lost all drive to keep up with what I was doing. It has been almost a month and I have gone right back to the tired, lazy, and just down right blah girl I was before. My husband and daughter deserve more then this, hell I deserve more then this, I see that now. I see that the way I was raised and treated most of my life was not normal or right in any way. It is hard to believe that I am what my husband see's it is that damn thing I have of believing the bad and thinking that the good is all a lie.
So here starts my healing process. I want to find myself I want to be the person my husband and friends see. I want... I need to be that care free spirited happy girl that I know I have inside. It will be hard, it well be one of the biggest battles of my life. It will be the one day at a time struggle that I have put off for so long. This is why I am here I have decided that in order to stay on track I need to keep track. I need to take all of the thoughts I have in my head beating me up and put them out here. So I can grow and forgive all those who have hurt me but most of all forgive myself for all of my self hatred and abuse I have given myself. Starting right now this moment I promise to myself that I will no longer be the old me. I will not sit around in self pity crying why is life so hard why can it be easy why can't I just by happy. It is not hard, life is easy if you let it be. Only I can make myself  unhappy there is no one making me unhappy anymore.  I will no longer allow the toxic thoughts  to defeat me. I am worth more then what those hurtful people in my past thought. I am the loving, caring, crazy girl my husband fell in love with. I will be the mother my daughter deserves. I will be the smart, energetic, and happy women I have always wanted to be.

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